Under My Umbrella
by sheepish123
Summary: Feeling lost and lonely and overwhelmed with life in general, Amanda turns to Olivia for comfort and companionship. Two-shot. Olivia/Amanda friendship.
1. Chapter 1

**This story takes places in the upcoming season 20 but Noah, Jesse and Frannie don't exist. I just felt like writing some hurt/comfort fluff with my two favorite characters. :)  
**

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Dark clouds are gathering on the horizon and swiftly creeping closer as Olivia Benson strides along the sidewalk, her gait unhurried despite the raindrops that have begun to splatter gently from the sky. She can hear the quiet pattering on the umbrella that is raised above her head, giving the metal pole a slight twirl with her hands as she walks and inhaling the sweet scent of rain with a deep, cleansing breath.

This has become a habit of hers over the years of working at the Special Victims Unit, and one she has taken up more frequently lately as the chaos and demands of her role as lieutenant weigh heavily upon her. Whenever the skies grow black and threaten to unleash a deluge of precipitation on the city, and it is feasible for her to do so, Olivia grabs her umbrella and heads outdoors with the intention of clearing her mind in the form of a long stroll through the wet streets and parks.

It is now her favorite hobby and something she looks forward to; the opportunity to settle her brain and body and soul, and think about nothing in particular as her neighborhood is washed clean and everything seems to sparkle anew when the rain is done, a chance for a fresh start. Olivia is never more calm and centered than when she engages in this simple activity and takes some much-needed time to enjoy nature, away from the craziness of the precinct and the television in her apartment.

She is oddly proud of herself for doing something so normal and uncomplicated on a fairly regular basis; for having the ability to pull away from the nearly-constant thoughts whirling around inside her head and from the horror and depravity that she and her squad are exposed to on a daily basis. It hasn't always been this way and has taken a very long time for Olivia to learn to put herself first once in awhile; to admit that it's perfectly okay to disengage from everyone and everything, as long as she eventually returns to her responsibilities and doesn't ignore them for too long.

Olivia suddenly halts in her tracks as the rain starts up a louder rhythm on the top of her umbrella, the drops beating harder against the fragile material and soaking the earth at her feet as she hovers at the edge of a small park fairly close to her building. She has begun to slowly wind her way back home with plans for a hot cup of tea and a warm bath, the autumn chill taking up residence in her bones and damp, colorful leaves sticking to the bottoms of her shoes, but a familiar figure sitting on a bench not too far away has caught her attention.

The small blonde woman has her head bent against the driving rain, long stands of hair clinging in soaked patches to her neck and shoulders, her slender form slumped and shivering as she drags the toe of one boot through the wet dirt below the bench. Olivia tilts her face to the side in confusion as she observes her forlorn co-worker and wonders what she is doing here on a Saturday evening, sitting by herself in the pelting rain as the remaining sunlight is swallowed up by the thick clouds.

"Amanda!" she calls out, her voice a mixture of perplexity and concern as she hurries toward the detective, watching as Amanda's head snaps up and the younger woman spears her with big blue eyes that stand out starkly against her pale complexion. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, hey, Liv, I didn't see you there," is the only response Olivia gets, a somewhat sheepish and apologetic smile playing at the corners of Amanda's lips; an expression she rarely sees from her most challenging subordinate.

"Amanda, what are you doing here?" she repeats firmly, her eyebrows pulling together in a frown as she takes in just how truly saturated and cold the other woman is, a bluish tinge to her mouth and rainwater rolling down the light fall jacket she is wearing.

Amanda's eyes are slightly bloodshot and there are droplets of liquid streaking her cheeks, Olivia's dark orbs narrowing in worry as she wonders if it's rain or tears on the smaller woman's face. She has still not received an answer for Amanda's unexpected appearance in a neighborhood that is nowhere near her own, and Olivia takes a seat on the damp bench beside her, holding the umbrella over Amanda's head even though the gesture is futile at this point.

Amanda's entire body is shuddering violently now, her teeth chattering audibly, and Olivia moves close enough to her on the dripping piece of wood so the younger woman's arm is brushing against her side as she continues to hold the umbrella over the quivering form. Amanda appears both amused and grateful by this unnecessary action and shifts closer to her in return, Olivia placing a palm over the detective's hand and Amanda's skin feeling clammy and freezing beneath her own.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on?" she asks softly, a note of sternness visible underneath her tender tone, as Amanda doesn't seem to be in the mood to chat but Olivia needing to know why she's here. "Did something happen? Are you hurt or sick?"

"No, nothing happened," Amanda replies with a shrug, those unreadable cobalt eyes swinging briefly in Olivia's direction before darting away. "Don't worry, Liv, I'm fine."

Olivia arches a disbelieving eyebrow and nudges Amanda with her shoulder while giving a shake of her head. "I don't think you're being honest with me right now."

"Okay, I'm not exactly _fine_ ," Amanda concedes surprisingly quickly, still avoiding Olivia's penetrating gaze. "But I'm not hurt or sick either. I'm just..."

"Just what?" Olivia probes gently when the other woman trails off uncertainly.

"Just...lost."

"What do you mean?" Olivia murmurs in concern, aware that Amanda is not talking about her physical location but something much deeper.

"I don't know," Amanda mutters dejectedly, her head hanging low as she speaks and the strengthening rain making it difficult to hear her voice over the water drumming steadily on the umbrella above them. "I just...I just needed someone today, Olivia...a friend, I guess. So I came to your neighborhood and then chickened out because I didn't want to bother you on the weekend when you finally have some time off."

"You're not bothering me at all," Olivia assures her, neglecting to mention that this is the only time all week she has finally had a chance to be alone, but realizing that she really doesn't mind Amanda's presence. "I was just about to head back to my place for a hot cup of tea. You're welcome to join me, if you want. You can take a warm shower and borrow something else to wear, since you're looking pretty soaked and miserable there."

"You don't have to do all of that for me," Amanda mumbles in a self-conscious voice, causing Olivia to frown again at the other woman's uncharacteristic demeanor. "I'll just be on my way. I really am okay, Liv."

"Amanda, you said that you needed a friend today and you have one sitting right next to you, offering to spend some time with you," Olivia replies with a touch of exasperation in her tone, elbowing Amanda gently in the arm. "So why don't you take me up on my offer and come home with me and get warmed up? The weather is getting worse and you shouldn't be out here if you don't have to be. You're going to catch a cold."

"Well, you're out here too," Amanda points out wryly as she finally throws a glance at Olivia, their eyes meeting and locking together. "And the umbrella isn't doing much to keep you from getting just as soaked as I am."

"I like to walk in the rain to clear my head," Olivia explains with a soft smile, deciding to open up a bit to Amanda in the hope that it will be reciprocated. "It's actually become one of my favorite things to do."

"Why do you need to clear your head?" Amanda inquires gently, their gazes still trained intently on one another and a look of concern shining in her eyes now. "This week hasn't been too bad, has it? I mean, it wasn't great, but we've definitely had much worse at the precinct."

"No, it wasn't terrible," Olivia agrees with a shrug of her own and a self-deprecating smirk. "It was just busy and I find that I need more time to unwind from everything now. One of the joys of getting older, I suppose."

"You're not old, Liv," Amanda chuckles lightly, giving her a nudge with her elbow in return. "And I understand needing to clear your head as much as possible. I do the same thing sometimes. But today I just...needed to clear my head with someone else, I guess."

"Are you sure you're okay, Amanda?" Olivia prods quietly, feeling honored that her detective has chosen to come to her instead of Fin or Carisi, and glad that their friendship has been deepening incrementally over the past year. "You seem really down and I can't help but notice that you've been crying."

"That's rainwater, Liv, not tears," Amanda scoffs with a roll of eyes, but her gaze slides away to focus on the muddy ground once more.

"I think you're being dishonest with me again," Olivia acknowledges softly, trying to keep the judgment from her voice and eager for Amanda to open up to her. "But we can discuss that once we're warm and dry. Come on, let's get you inside."

She coaxes Amanda up from the bench, the two of them struggling to their feet together as a gust of wind causes the rain to lash even harder against their drenched bodies. "Stay under my umbrella," Olivia encourages as she hooks an arm through Amanda's and begins guiding her from the park back to the street, wanting to protect the younger woman from the elements even though Amanda is already sopping wet.

She is relieved that her building is not too far from here and ends up wrapping one arm around Amanda's vigorously shivering frame while holding the umbrella up with the other, keeping her co-worker pressed close to her taller body as they hurry along the sidewalk. Amanda is leaning more heavily into her the farther they walk, as if she is too cold and tired to remain upright and just wants to collapse onto the flooded ground, Olivia tightening her hold on the shuddering figure.

They are both soaked to the bone when they reach the door of her apartment, the umbrella having quickly become useless as the rain had pelted down harder and harder with every passing second. Olivia ushers Amanda inside where they drip giant puddles onto the floor as she leans the soggy umbrella against the wall and dashes into the bathroom to retrieve some towels, trying without much success to keep from trailing water all over the place.

They dry themselves off as best they can while standing in the entryway, rubbing the towels roughly over saturated hair and clothing and skin, shrugging out of jackets that are weighed down with rainwater and hanging them over the coat hook to dry. Olivia urges Amanda to get in the shower first when she notices the younger woman's shivering has only intensified even though they are now indoors, Amanda actually agreeing with her instead of insisting that she's fine the way she is.

After finding the detective something suitable to wear and taking a shower of her own, Olivia prepares boiling hot cups of tea and ducks beneath the woolly red blanket she keeps on the couch, offering to share it with Amanda. When they are sitting side by side on the cushions, sipping from china cups and snuggled together underneath the blanket, Olivia finally begins to feel some warmth seeping back into her chilled body and heaves a contented sigh.

When she glances over at Amanda, expecting to see the same contentment from the blonde now that she is warm and dry as well, Olivia is surprised that Amanda's chin is wobbling and her hands are trembling as she raises the cup of tea to her mouth. "Hey, what's going on?" she asks softly, taking the drink away from the other woman and setting it on the coffee table before she can spill it on herself, watching as Amanda blinks rapidly in an effort to hold back tears.

"Talk to me," Olivia urges quietly when Amanda inhales a shaky breath but otherwise doesn't respond, taking a small hand into her own and giving it a gentle squeeze. "Tell me why you needed a friend today."

"It's just... _everything_ ," Amanda finally blurts out in a voice that is choked with sudden emotion, the words spilling from her mouth in a tidal wave of anxious sadness. "I'm still having nightmares and flashbacks about what happened with Esther Labott. My last relationship was a complete disaster but my cheating ex has been messaging me because he wants to get back together, even though I never want to see him again. I've started having urges to gamble because I'm so stressed out; urges that I haven't had for years now. Everything has just seemed so overwhelming and hard to handle lately. I just feel _lost_ , like nothing is going right and my life is a complete mess and I don't know how to make things better for myself. It just made me realize-"

Amanda pauses abruptly in her frenzied tirade, cutting herself off mid-sentence and Olivia somewhat taken aback by the unexpected amount of personal information that is being shared with her, but glad that Amanda has decided to open up to her instead of keeping it all bottled up inside. She squeezes her hand again in silent encouragement for the younger woman to keep talking, dark eyebrows pulling together in a disconcerted frown when the detective pulls her hand away and scrubs her palms across face before shifting over on the cushions to create some space between them.

"Hey, is there a reason you're trying to get away from me right now?" Olivia asks in a gently teasing tone, choosing to remain in her spot on the couch instead of sidling closer to Amanda in an effort to provide more of the physical comfort that comes so naturally to her. "I know you don't usually like sharing issues that are so private, but you don't have to be embarrassed about it, honey. I'm happy to listen. Why don't you finish what you were saying? What has it made you realize?"

Amanda simply shrugs in response, a pinkish tinge coloring her pale cheeks, and Olivia can practically feel the embarrassment radiating off of her, wishing she could do something more to convey how much she really doesn't mind having this discussion. She feels privileged that Amanda has chosen to confide in her about topics that are difficult to speak of and would normally be kept hidden, and is grateful for their gradually deepening friendship; a relationship that Olivia has actually wanted for years, but has taken such a long time to develop for a number of different reasons.

"It made me realize how truly alone I am," Amanda finally mutters in a nearly inaudible voice, Olivia's gaze full of empathy and compassion as she watches the other woman lean over to pick up her cup of tea from the coffee table. "And how I've always thought I was so good at being by myself and that's what I actually preferred, but I was wrong. I have to deal with everything on my own all the time and I have no one to turn to-"

Olivia gasps and winces as the cup suddenly slips from Amanda's grip and hot tea splashes down the front of the borrowed sweatshirt she is wearing, staining both the soft material and the delicate skin of Amanda's hands, listening to the whimper of pain that follows. She immediately springs up from the couch and rushes into the bathroom to run ice cold water over a washcloth, returning to the living room and kneeling down in front of the sofa to press the cloth lightly against the growing red splotches on Amanda's hands.

The smaller woman's head is bent forward and her shoulders are shaking, no sound emitting from her lips but Olivia quite certain that she is crying, and reaching up to thread her fingers through the curtain of long hair that is hiding Amanda's expression from her gaze. She smooths one palm over the silky golden tresses while continuing to hold the cloth to Amanda's hands, impulsively placing a light kiss to the crown of the detective's blonde head and hearing a slight sniffle in response.

"Let me go get you something else to wear," Olivia offers gently when Amanda takes the cloth from her grasp and puts it under her shirt with a quiet hiss of relief, Olivia figuring there are some minors burns on her stomach and chest as well.

She can see tears falling from those big blue eyes when she finally gets a glimpse of Amanda's face, her beautiful features pinched and her front teeth biting hard into her lower lips as if trying to stifle a sob, and she decides the clothing can wait for a moment. "Come here, honey. It's okay, I've got you," Olivia whispers tenderly as she takes Amanda into her arms, the younger woman not resisting at all and instantly melting into her embrace.

They hold each other for a few minutes without speaking, Amanda crying softly into her shoulder as Olivia rocks the trembling figure back and forth until she can no longer ignore the ache that has taken up residence in her knees from kneeling on the floor. She lets go of Amanda long enough to tuck herself back under the blanket beside her, assuring her friend that she's not going anywhere when she hears a faint noise of protest at the movement, and taking Amanda back into her arms once she is settled.

"I'm sorry things are so tough for you right now," Olivia says quietly when Amanda has started calming down and is curled into her taller frame on the cushions. "But when you said that you're alone and have no one to turn to...well, if that were actually true, you wouldn't be here with me right now, would you? We wouldn't be sitting on my couch together, drinking tea on a rainy Saturday evening while you talk to me about what's going on in your life."

"I'm sorry," Amanda blurts out shamefully as she raises her tear-stained face and Olivia gets a peek at the loneliness and melancholy that reside in the depths of those watery orbs. "I shouldn't be bothering you outside of work; I shouldn't be at my lieutenant's apartment on the weekend. It's pathetic-"

"Amanda, stop, honey, just stop," Olivia interrupts with a shake of her head and the hint of a chastising smile pulling at the corner of her mouth. "I wasn't looking for an apology and I've already told you that you're not bothering me. I was just letting you know that you're not alone, even though it might feel that way. I feel the same way too sometimes, but then I remind myself that it's not true; that I have people around me who love and care for me and will be there if I ever need them for anything."

When Amanda doesn't look entirely convinced, her eyes narrowed and her forehead puckered with worry, as if the younger woman is trying to ascertain whether her boss is being honest or not, Olivia strokes her hand over a prominent cheekbone and wipes away a stray tear with the pad of her thumb. "And it's definitely not pathetic to need help when things seem overwhelming and out of control," she continues with a soft vehemence. "You're welcome here anytime, Amanda, and I mean that, okay? Thank you for trusting me enough to start opening up to me about what's been going on. How about we keep talking while I make you another cup of tea and find some more dry clothes for you to wear?"

Amanda nods slowly in response, a tentative smile stretching across her face and a light chuckle emitting from her lips. "That sounds great, Liv, thank you. But hopefully I won't go through every single outfit you own while I'm here. I'll try not to spill tea all over myself this time, and I'll remember to carry an umbrella if there's rain in the forecast."

"I've got plenty of clothes to spare," Olivia assures her with a gentle grin and a pat on the knee, glad to be ensconced with Amanda in the cozy warmth of her apartment while the rain patters steadily against the windows and darkness overtakes the last bit of daylight. "And I don't mind sharing my umbrella with a friend."


	2. Chapter 2

**I decided to write another chapter and make this story into a two-shot. Just another reminder that Noah, Jesse and Frannie don't exist in this storyline.**

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The rain is still coming down in sheets and splattering against the windows in a noisy rhythm when Olivia gets settled into bed a few hours later with Amanda next to her, the two of them laying side by side beneath the covers. She had invited the younger woman to stay overnight and was pleased when Amanda had hesitantly agreed, not wanting the detective to have to endure the harsh weather on her way home or to spend the rest of the weekend alone after her breakdown.

Following an argument spanning several minutes on who would sleep where, they had decided to share Olivia's bed, Amanda refusing to kick her boss out of her own bedroom when Olivia had volunteered to sleep on the couch so her subordinate could get a proper rest. They are currently decked out in matching pairs of pajamas, Olivia not owning much in the way of nightwear and having bought them on sale a few months back at two for the price of one. She hadn't even bothered to choose different patterns while out shopping, not possessing the enjoyment or patience for such a process, and resulting in both of them wearing the exact same thing; bright purple flannel with giant pink hearts dotting the fabric.

"We are way too cute right now, Liv," Amanda grumbles beside her, the blonde's voice sounding somewhat chagrined and Olivia guessing that she is rolling her eyes in the dark. "It's kind of embarrassing. Don't you dare tell the guys we spent Saturday night sharing your bed while wearing matching pajamas. We'll never hear the end of it."

"My lips are sealed," Olivia chuckles in response, shifting onto her side so she can see Amanda's shadowy form curled up under the blankets and concern evident in her tone when she speaks again. "Are you feeling a bit better now?"

After Amanda had cried in Olivia's arms on the couch in the living room, they had spent the rest of the evening talking while playing lighthearted movies on Netflix and trading in the cups of tea for glasses of wine and a big bowl of popcorn. Amanda's sadness and despair had seemed to fall away bit by bit as they had switched from very serious topics of conversation to something more lighthearted, exchanging ridiculous stories from their youth and laughing hysterically, a warmth filling Olivia's heart as they had bonded and gotten to know each other a lot better.

"Yeah, I'm doing okay," Amanda answers softly, although Olivia can hear the pensive note beneath the casual reassurance, and wonders if she is about to start spiraling into hopelessness again.

"I'm okay, Liv," Amanda says firmly when Olivia moves closer to her on the mattress with the intention of providing more comfort if it's needed, resting her hand on a toned arm that is trembling slightly.

"You know you're not alone, right?" she reminds the other woman quietly, giving her arm a gentle squeeze and listening to the amused sigh that sounds in return.

"Well, I think that much is obvious, since we're wearing identical jammies and sleeping in the same bed," Amanda replies dryly, Olivia letting out a snort of laughter in acknowledgement. "I've never felt less alone in my entire life than I do right now."

"Well, good, I'm glad to hear that," she snickers mirthfully, rolling over onto her back and gazing up at the dim ceiling. "That was the plan."

"I was really surprised to find out that you own such adorable pairs of pajamas, Liv," Amanda continues in a teasing voice, Olivia feeling a playful elbow nudging her shoulder. "I never would have guessed."

"They were cheap and I needed something new to wear to bed," Olivia scoffs in defense, and now it's her turn to roll her eyes. "I never expected anyone to see them. And just out of curiosity, what do you wear at night, Amanda? Are you telling me that you don't own a few pairs of adorable jammies like these?"

Smiling when she hears Amanda's answering laugh, Olivia turns onto her side again so they are lying face to face in the darkness as she awaits her friend's response, her eyebrows pulling together in a frown when the blonde speaks. "Actually, lately I've just been wearing my work clothes. Sometimes I'm so exhausted when I get home that I just collapse on the couch in front of the TV and fall asleep."

"Honey, you need to start taking better care of yourself," Olivia chides gently, reaching out to clasp onto Amanda's upper arm and stroking the soft material of the borrowed pajama shirt with her fingers. "Falling asleep in front of the television in the clothes you've been wearing all day and not even eating dinner beforehand doesn't sound like a very healthy routine to me."

"I know it's not," Amanda mutters in irritation, Olivia's frown deepening when the younger woman pulls away and scoots over to the edge of the mattress like she is attempting to escape the situation. "I've just been having a hard time, okay, Liv? Don't judge me for my bad habits. It's not like anyone else in our squad is the picture of health either. We all do things that aren't the best for us. Fin plays too many video games and Carisi eats too much pasta. Those habits aren't that great either."

"Amanda, I'm not judging you at all," Olivia says sternly, torn between annoyance at the smaller woman's quick and wrongful assumption after they had just spent the evening sharing so much of their lives, and chuckling at the examples of their teammates that she had given. "I'm just worried about you. I found you in the park, crying in the pouring rain, and you've admitted to having a very difficult time with everything over the past few months. I have the right to be concerned."

"Sorry," Amanda murmurs in a chastened tone, Olivia feeling relieved when the younger woman begins inching back from the edge of the bed. "I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. I guess I've just been a little more sensitive than usual lately. Everything seems to bother me more than it should."

"That's understandable," she assures the detective, her tone softening as Amanda turns over so they are facing each other once again. "You've been through a lot recently and it's bound to affect you in certain ways."

Olivia sees the brief shimmer of tears in Amanda's blue eyes, the salty drops glinting in the gloom, and reaches up to run a tender hand through long hair that has become disheveled from lying on the pillow. "Just try to get as much rest as you can tonight, okay? I know it's easier said than done, but try to let go of everything for the next several hours and let yourself sleep and recharge. I'm here with you. You're not alone."

"Yes, Liv, remember we've already established that by dressing in matching nightwear and sharing your bed?" Amanda snorts in reply, the other woman obviously trying to lighten the mood again. "Whenever I feel alone in the future, I'll just picture us snuggled up in your bed together, wearing pajamas that look like they were made for a 5-year-old. And if I'm having a bad day, I can always remind myself that my badass lieutenant enjoys buying jammies with huge pink hearts on them. It's really so sweet and nice to see your softer side when we're away from the precinct."

"Alright, that's enough," Olivia grouses in mock anger at the sarcastic tone, poking Amanda in the ribs and satisfied with the indignant squeal that sounds in response. "You better go to sleep before I rescind the offer to share my bed and decide to push you onto the floor."

"Violence is never the answer, Liv," Amanda replies cheekily, and Olivia grins into the darkness as her eyelids slip closed, pleased that she has been able to bring some level of comfort and amusement to the younger woman in her time of need.

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When Olivia awakens a few hours later, the room still shrouded in shadows and the rain continuing to patter rhythmically against the windows, she is alarmed to catch a distinct whiff of smoke when she inhales. Brown eyes fly open and an arm sweeps out across the rumpled sheets as Olivia immediately tries to locate Amanda, her alarm ratcheting up even further when she realizes that the other side of the bed is empty and the pillow is cool to the touch, as if the blonde has been gone for some time.

With images of her apartment on fire while Amanda wanders hopelessly alone in the rain in the middle of the night dancing wildly through her head, Olivia tries to shake off her lingering exhaustion and the haziness in her brain as she swings her legs over the edge of the mattress and leaps to her feet. Rushing into the kitchen, her panic instantly fades into relief when she spots Amanda slumped at the open window while smoking a cigarette, tendrils of grey mist curling into the air as the vicious pounding of the rain becomes even more pronounced.

"Amanda, I don't want you smoking in here," she scolds in contempt, striding over to the hunched form and plucking the cigarette right from her fingers, ignoring the noise of protest as she looks closely at the other woman. "Are you alright? What are you doing out here? I thought you were going to try and get some sleep."

Amanda's complexion is pale and waxy with a slight sheen of sweat lining her forehead, and Olivia reaches out a hand to place on skin that feels suspiciously warm. "I think you have a fever," she murmurs in concern, shivering at the damp, cool air inside the kitchen and leaning over to shut the window. "It's probably from sitting outside in the cold rain and getting completely drenched."

"I don't think you can get sick that fast, Liv," Amanda mumbles in disagreement, heaving a disgruntled sigh when Olivia stubs out the cigarette.

"Are you feeling unwell?" Olivia persists as she rubs a fist over sore eyes that are struggling to stay open. "Does it still hurt where you got burned?" she adds softly, gesturing down to Amanda's body and recalling how the other woman had spilled hot tea on herself earlier in the evening.

"It feels fine," Amanda answers with a shrug and an offhanded wave. "I'm just a little shaken up."

"Why?" Olivia asks quietly, noticing how much the detective is trembling and stepping forward to lay a tender hand on her shoulder. "What's wrong?"

"I had another nightmare about Esther Labott and after it woke me up, I checked my phone and noticed that I had a bunch of text messages from my ex," Amanda explains wearily as she sways slightly on her feet. "And now I have the two of them whirling around inside my head and I can't get them out. Having a cigarette usually relaxes me, but I'm sorry for smoking in your kitchen. I just didn't want to go back out into the pouring rain."

"It's okay," Olivia concedes quickly, now much more concerned with Amanda's mental state than the lingering acrid scent in the room. "But just don't do it again, alright? I can't stand the smell."

Amanda suddenly looks stricken as something seems to occur to her, and Olivia tilts her head to the side in confusion as she regards her friend. "I'm sorry if I triggered you by smoking inside, Liv. I know William Lewis smoked in your apartment and then he..."

Olivia blows out a breath at the unexpected reminder of her tormenter as the other woman trails off uncertainly, willing her brain not to travel back to those horrific events from the past and replay what that monster had done with his cigarettes. "You didn't trigger me, honey, I promise. I just don't like the smell because it gets embedded in everything and it's so hard to get out. And the smoke makes me cough, if there's enough of it."

"Are you sure?" Amanda still appears quite troubled by what she has done, and Olivia is eager to provide comfort instead of letting herself get sucked into dark memories that she would much rather forget.

"I'm sure," she says softly, her hand sliding down from Amanda's shoulder and giving her arm a squeeze for emphasis, trying to elevate the mood a bit. "I promise you didn't trigger me, you only irritated me."

Amanda's lip quirks up at the side in a hesitant half-smile and Olivia smiles reassuringly back, a flash of light in her peripheral vision catching her attention. "Is he still texting you?" she questions curiously, gesturing to the phone that is sitting on the counter and currently lighting up with multiple messages in a row, feeling a spike of indignation on behalf of her friend. "Doesn't he realize what time it is?"

"He's a doctor so he works odd hours sometimes," Amanda replies as she lets out another prolonged sigh and shakes her head, blonde hair standing on end from her time spent in bed. "I need to block him because he's not taking no for an answer. He won't stop asking me to get back together with him."

"Amanda, if he's harassing you, we can do something about it." Olivia's tone is serious once again, her hand still resting on the younger woman's arm as she tightens her hold slightly.

"I know that, Liv, thanks, but I'm dealing with it on my own," Amanda answers tiredly, those big blue eyes rolling in derision as she continues to speak. "Apparently he's very sorry for cheating on me and claims that things will be different this time around, if I agree to date him again. I just want to know why I wasn't good enough the first time."

"You're more than good enough, honey." Olivia's voice is hushed as she steps closer to the small form, saddened that Amanda's usual self-confidence seems to have disappeared. "It's his loss."

Amanda gives a halfhearted shrug and another wave of her hand, as if trying to brush off any hurt feelings and downplay the importance of the situation. "This whole thing was for the best, anyway. I can't be with anyone right now. I'm such a mess. Nightmares and flashbacks and addiction cravings take up every spare second that I'm not working. I don't have time for a relationship."

"Amanda, it sounds like you need to talk to someone about everything that's been going on lately," Olivia advises softly, slipping an arm around a quivering set of shoulders and pulling the detective flush against her body, unable to stand the mixture of intense vulnerability and feigned disinterest that Amanda is displaying.

"I'm talking to you, aren't I?" The terse response is not unexpected, Olivia steeling herself for the possibility of Amanda fleeing into the rainy night as she feels her stiffen instantly, knowing full well that any suggestions of therapy will not be appreciated but pushing ahead nevertheless.

"You know what I mean," she chides gently, jostling the slender figure lightly with her hip and hoping that Amanda won't decide to escape the apartment just because they are having an uncomfortable conversation. "I'm here to listen to anything that you want to discuss, but it's not the same as talking to a professional. I can't help you in the same way that they can. And it definitely sounds like you need some help, honey."

"I was just looking for a friend today, Olivia, not more advice to see a damn shrink," Amanda mutters under her breath as she pulls away roughly, Olivia's chest aching when she sees the glimmer of tears in her eyes.

"I _am_ your friend," she assures the younger woman with a soft vehemence, her heart clenching when Amanda takes a step back as she moves toward the other woman. "And I'm here for you, Amanda, for whatever you need. But it can't hurt to talk to someone who is trained to help you cope with these flashbacks and nightmares."

Olivia watches as the blonde detective stifles a yawn, a pale, shaky hand coming up to cover her mouth, and takes in Amanda's ragged appearance; the waterfall of rumpled golden hair, the childish pajamas that match her own, and the unshed tears that are hovering on the edge of long, dark lashes. "Honey, you look absolutely exhausted and I think you're getting sick. Why don't we finish this discussion in the morning after you try to get some more sleep? Come on, let's go back to bed, alright?"

Olivia holds out an arm to Amanda with the hope that she'll accompany her back into the bedroom so they can both climb under the covers and resume their slumber, figuring it's better for the younger woman to rest instead of chat, especially if she has a fever. Her hopes are dashed when Amanda shakes her head and shuffles over to the couch, plopping down onto the cushions with a sniffle and raking both hands through her tousled tresses.

"Nah, I think I'm going to stay out here for a little while, Liv."

"Well, do you want some company?" Olivia is prepared to head back to bed alone if Amanda needs some time to herself, but silently wills the blonde to keep opening up and not shut her out completely.

When Amanda nods her assent without verbally replying, Olivia gets settled on the cushions next to her and pulls the woolly blanket over their laps. "Do you want to put on a movie or try to fall asleep right here?"

"I'm too scared to go back to sleep," Amanda admits in a shamed tone, letting out a loud growl of frustration as her phone buzzes on the counter and Olivia flinching in surprise.

"Come here, honey," she says softly, pulling the detective against her when she hears a broken sob emit after the growl, Amanda looking like she is at her wit's end from the combination of stressors in her life.

Olivia rocks the other woman back and forth in the same fashion she had earlier, feeling Amanda's head come to rest on her shoulder and the smaller body sagging into her own with fatigued sadness, the skin of her neck becoming damp with tears. She threads her fingers into the mess of silky strands sitting atop Amanda's head and combs them slowly down through her hair, listening to the soft sigh that sounds in response, and repeating the action over and over again until Amanda is leaning so heavily into her taller frame that Olivia wonders if she has fallen asleep despite her fears.

She perches there on the cushions for several moments without speaking, just holding Amanda protectively against her chest and listening to the soothing noise of the rain hitting the windows, thinking how glad she is to have spotted Amanda on the park bench when she had been out for her walk earlier. Olivia cherishes the time they are spending together now, pleased that Amanda is trusting her to provide emotional and physical support while she is going through such a difficult phase in her life, and vowing to be there for her whenever she is needed.

Olivia is startled by the barely audible murmur of the blonde's voice, sure that she had drifted back off into a much-needed slumber and surprised that she is still awake. "I'm sorry for crying on you again, Liv." Amanda sounds self-conscious and unsure when she speaks, like she is afraid her boss might think less of her for such an uncharacteristic show of emotion and clinginess. "Maybe you should bring that umbrella in here so you can use it to shield yourself from the neverending amount of tears that I seem to have tonight. I think I've soaked right through the adorable pajamas you're wearing."

Olivia chuckles affectionately as Amanda leans back slightly and fixes her with a pair of red-rimmed, heavy-lidded eyes, the other woman's expression becoming even more sheepish when she reaches out to brush a hand over the wet fabric on her shoulder. She catches Amanda's hand in her own when she feels the graze of fingertips on the material, giving it a comforting squeeze before lacing their fingers together and telling her not to worry about the tear-stained nightwear or how much she has cried in her presence.

"I'm afraid to ask how many other pairs of these cute jammies you have hiding in your room," Amanda teases as a smirk curls her lips and a hint of mirth shines in her eyes. "Is that why you don't care that I've been crying all over you? Because you have multiple pairs that you can change into whenever the need arises?"

"Okay, it was obviously a mistake wearing these in front of you and letting you borrow the same ones to sleep in," Olivia replies dryly with an arched eyebrow, giving Amanda a playful shove. "If you're done making fun of me for the time being and you don't want to rest, the offer to talk is still on the table."

"Thanks, Liv, but I think I'm too tired," Amanda answers softly, her eyelids drooping as they converse but Olivia aware of a slight tension that is lingering in the body next to her own.

"Are you still too scared to sleep?" she inquires gently, tucking a stray piece of hair behind Amanda's ear and regarding her with a concerned expression.

"I just don't want to have more dreams about Esther," the younger woman confesses in a hushed tone, Olivia feeling slim fingers trembling in her grasp.

"Alright, then how about we put on another movie?" she suggests quietly, Amanda nodding in exhausted agreement. "And if you happen to fall asleep, I'll be right here with you, okay?"

"I've already cried all over you, I don't want to fall asleep on you too," Amanda laughs in an embarrassed manner, Olivia squeezing her hand again and pulling her closer, intent on putting her worries to rest.

"Hey, that's what friends do, right? They let each other share their umbrellas and borrow their pajamas and hold them while they cry-"

"And use them as a human pillow?" Amanda interrupts wryly as her head comes to rest on Olivia's shoulder.

"Yes, that too," Olivia chuckles fondly, wrapping one arm around Amanda's waist as she fishes for the remote control in the cushions with the other and turns on the TV once she has located the device.

They snuggle against one another while the rain continues to fall outside, cocooned together in the warm blanket as a silly romantic comedy begins playing on the screen, Olivia keeping a watchful eye over Amanda when the younger woman finally drifts off into slumber.


End file.
